Friday, November 21, 2008 @ 8:33 pm
Going out with Ly and Andre today was fun. Haha. Went to shop around for stuffs. After so long in being cooped up at home, I went out and realised that all of the boutiques have gone through drastic changes. Most of them took many leaves out of Prada's books and black lace was EVERYWHERE. Haha. But of course noone does it quite as well as Prada does. Miuccia Prada is in a class of her own =D Disclaimer: Ly was the one shopping, not me! :P
JC and A-levels have been fun, but post A-levels is funner! Haha. I'm doing a lot of stuff in the remaining 2 weeks that I have left before leaving for Indo. Just keep spending time with my frens who matter =D Haha. It's a challenge to keep under budget, but so far so good =) Haha. Oh and I got a free gift (vanity box) for buying a magazine. Yay! Kill 2 birds with 1 stone. Coz I've been wanting to get one for some time since my mum keeps invading my space, only that I don't want to spend the money. To my horror her eyebrow liner almost mixed with my eyeshadow for prom!!! =( But almost. Haha. Argh I'm becoming so 'auntie' these days while trying to save money. But it's nice to have become more savvy and know where to get the good bargains without compromising on quality.
I'm not sad about leaving Nj and all that stuffs, I'm just kinda looking forward. I'm damn weird. I like to keep moving and not mope too much about the past, I guess. Saves a lot of all that damned pain and keeps me happy. I'm looking forward to going back to Indo and do whatever that I have put on hold for soo sooo sooo long. Finally I can spend ALL the time that I want without rushing here and there in my lovely hometown. I shall take a lot a lot a lot of pictures in Indo and take time to arrange my untouched huge photo album and all of my previous photos. Reminisce the good ol' days for a bit, take one last hold, then let it all go. I shed like a snake. Haha.
I realise that I've been in Singapore for 12 years!!!! (ok, 11 and a half, actually. if minus away all the holiday time, about 9-10 years) But a decade has been ultra long. Sorry but I've never come to love Singapore very much. This place has given me too much pain, and the pain has been more than the joy. Probably because I'm a pessimistic person, but I have not derived much joy until I came to NJIP, and met some good friends. Imagine being in a foreign country, excited on the first day, then you realise that just because you're Indonesian (a 3rd world country), you're foreign, you don't speak a word of english or chinese, you're bullied on the first day of school, jeered at by people from a place that you looked forward to living in. Disappointment? No. Much much much more than disappointment. Heartbroken? No, my heart was seized, ripped to pieces and strewn on the streets. When put back together again, it has become so prickly that it's unbearable to be me. Much as I love myself I hate myself too for the way I am. I don't mean to be some parts of me although I really really really tried, but it sticks, so hard. It's not like post-its. My prickled and prickly heart has been stuck together with elephant glue and stitches. Yes, the streets are clean and it's peaceful here, and I like that. I like that this place is organised. But can I just love the place and not the people? Disagree with me if you want but I haven't found Singaporeans to be the most personable, agreeable people in my life. Sad, sad, sad that I have some parts of me that's like one too. I need a change of place, I need to be with other kinds of people with a different mindset, I need to change, I want to stop hating that side of me.
I had no permanent adult presence in my life, and still don't. I felt worse than an orphan when I was a kid, an orphan at least knows for sure that he/she has no parents. I'm not even sure if I have parents, they're so far away, so out of reach, but they're there. Confused, really confused, what am I supposed to feel? Should I adopt the feelings of an orphan or that of a kid with parents? They have never been to ANY meet-the-parents session in school. They don't sign my consent forms, either it's my sister or I'll just sign on my own. They just want to know I'm doing well in school, not so much whether or not I'm happy. I just look happy, but am I happy? I am now, but was I? NO. Did anyone care? I didn't let anyone care. I hide and hide so that noone will care, noone will poke. I enjoy crying alone, such that now I've got no tears left. I keep silent when I'm upset but people just LOVE to probe, don't they? And when I explode they think I'm mad. Who's the mad one now, the bomb or the one playing with the bomb?
I look at my friends who have parents by their side, but do not share a close relationship, I look at them with envy but also with pity. When I was a kid there was a got-problem-dun-tell policy so that my parents will not worry about me. I tried to turn to a teacher for help, and she almost destroyed everything, and has already destroyed yet another part of me. I hardly trust anyone, and I have no restrictions whatsoever at fighting back against people who try to harm me or my family. . It's very hard to fight back, I hate how cruel and heartless I can be when I'm fighting back to defend myself. It's hard because it goes against my conscience, but thank goodness I still have a conscience.
I dunno why I didn't go bad, why I didn't go smoke or whatever bad things that young people can do. Perhaps it's because I don't like worrying my parents, perhaps because there's divine intervention of whatever sorts or perhaps it's because I still follow my conscience. But no matter what I'm glad that I didn't turn out rotten. Prickly is better than rotten. At least I don't go out to harm people unless they try to do funny things to me. And I'm grateful that I've undergone most part of growing up and I have learnt many things to survive in any kind of situation. Throw me into a desert and I'll come out alive I tell you. I've lost my naivety and innocence, I'm cynical not because I'm a realist, but because I'm an idealist, and so the pain doubles. Oh Bosola, how we could have become best friends if you're a real person.
Do they have a psychological term for my kind of condition? Is it called a half-orphan complex? Is it a immigrant kid complex? Dang I dunno but it surely sucks.
But for the past 4 years I have come to accept myself better now. I used to be greatly uncomfortable with being someone with no roots. I used to ask my parents, where are my roots? They insist they belong to China, but I'm born in Indonesia, raised in Singapore. So dude where am I supposed to call home? How on earth am I going to have any sense of security. A kid needs security and I didn't have it. I have no home. I dun call any place home. I'm a foreigner in Singapore I'm a foreigner in Indo I'm a foreigner in China (DUH).
But I like myself now for the fact that I have no home. I'm free like the wind, born from one place, travels the world and dies in another. I like moving, I like being impermanent. I feel more in control when I'm moving around than when I'm stuck in one place. To me everything is transient, there's no use trying to hold on to anything for dear life. Conscience, though, needs to be carried forever. I can't live in a place for too long, can't befriend most people for too long or too closely coz love will eventually turn to hatred. I don't miss places I don't really miss people either. Some maybe, like my family (not even relatives), and a few friends.
I'll be completely honest that I just don't miss people. Doesn't mean I don't love people, but missing people is a different thing. It means that you actually want to have more of that person's company, because you love that person more than you do most people. Is there an absolute love when I dun even think love is quantifiable? I can't say it's like vs love, (this is where language fails) but it's like love and urm, attachment, perhaps. Like being emotionally attached to someone enough to miss that person. Hum yeah I think that's a good labelling. Ah and I dun get emotionally attached too easily, because yes I'm deathly afraid of losing people when I get attached. So I'd rather be detached and feel less pain. Gosh, I'm such a selfish pig I think I do many things just to feel less pain. This is where I dun like myself, but have to accept it anyway. (HMM how am I going to find a boyfriend like this?) Ok whatever. Then the question: Is emotional attachment a necessary condition for love? GOSH I'm confusing myself at midnight, when my brain fails. Hmm maybe I have never shown love, but respect. Hey that's not quite right either. GRAWR. Ok this is when the mind gets confused and needs a rest.
I'm going to botanic gardens tomorrow, and I applaud you if you have read this post all the way until here. Night.