Here is a picture of the banana plant at the garden downstairs. Haha. Love the pretty pink flower, so gentle and sweet =)

Been catching up with myself by daydreaming. Haha. All sorts of weather seems perfect for daydreaming. I realise how strongly I am affected by the weather. Rainy weather makes me feel refreshed and I love the bitter, cold wind blowing through me. Makes me wake up. Hot weathers are terrible. Not that I don't love the warmth of the sun, but I guess I'd rather sleep during hot days coz I'll be having such terrible headaches from the heat. Enzymes in my brain get denatured by the heat. Haha.

I've been wondering what should I do after the A-levels. The possibilities are endless. I'm torn between staying in Singapore to do volunteer work, ballet, find some paid job, learn a new language, learn ballroom dancing and reading books at the library. And going back to Indonesia to reconnect with my family from whom I have been very much isolated from, to return and help my parents with the business, to care and love my grandparents whose mental states are no longer as good as before, to attend weddings of cousins that I have missed. To learn how to sew clothing, make jewelry, cook, and do chinese calligraphy. I probably can't dance much and I have no idea how can I live without dancing. I might wither off.

But I'm afraid that if I stay in Singapore I won't get to see my grandparents as much as I should, I might regret not being with them, and I'm already regretting that I cannot care for them. I don't understand why my cousins don't even bother about them, when they are so close to them, just a drive away. Me, being an aeroplane ride away, am always thinking about them and wondering how they are getting along, and forever regretting not being able to spend time with my grandmother when she was still aware of her surroundings. Now that she is living in her own world, it broke my heart that I cannot be with her. I've come to accept aging more or less now, and I do think that sometimes being unaware of the world is happiness on its own. I dunno how long she can hold on, and I've prayed long enough for her to wait for me to return to her. Maybe I should just return to her after all. Let me make a decision I will not regret.

The thing I don't like being in Indonesia is having to meet my parents' business associates and customers, sometimes I wish those people will just go away and stop asking me about Singapore as if I come from Mars, or Pluto. If I go back I'll just camouflage myself amongst the spectacles and contact lens posters. Yeah I'm the poster model, don't talk to me. Just look and go away. I don't wanna talk to you. I dun care if Singapore is better or Surabaya is better. I don't care about the climate in Indonesia compared to Singapore. Stop asking me about my rosy cheeks, dun suck up at me. Don't ask about my grades, they are none of ur business, dude. And stop asking to stay at my house when you're in Singapore. It's not a hotel, mind you. Gosh all the sycophantic, fat adults, who smoke like chimneys and spend money like water, eat meat as if they were T. Rex, with huge bellies the size of globes, just stop breathing down my neck or I'll breathe fire at you like a dragon full of fury. Roar you.

Been looking at Anna Sui's runway shows. Am amazed at the embroidery and the fabrics, I love the whole billowing, ethnic looks. Wish I could make them!