I wonder if I have ever written about Life, and Death, here before. The issue has been on my mind for so long, because I've been trying to figure it out. It feels funny to write about such a sensitive topic, but I guess my mind needs some sorting out, so I write.

I recall this quote: "When you learn how to die, you learn how to live." Tuesdays with Morrie

I believe in this quote very much, as I ponder about how it is when we are approaching Death, the fog clears up, and the distractions disappear. The only things that remain will be what truly gives meaning to our lives. We know about these things: Love, kinship, inner peace, dreams, and so on. Yet, we often lose focus because the world is full of distractions, materialism, pessimism, and despair. People often say that when you're nearing death, your whole life flashes in front of you, and the most important people come to mind. There is this Korean drama series, "Couple or Trouble", and the female lead is on the verge of drowning in the sea. Her thought is that, "How can I die like this? My husband will get all of my money! Who's that cursing me?", and she swims to the surface, only to be hit by a wave. The thing is, I don't want my last thought to be, "I do not wish to die, not now." I would rather face death with peace, and accept it.

"I know death hath ten thousand several doors/ For men to take their exits."-- Duchess of Malfi

Life has so many exits, so many ways in which it could end. Does it really matter if I should die today, tomorrow, or ten years later, 50 years later? I admit that sometimes I wish that I won't have such a long life, so that I can be quickly removed from the worldly affairs, and move on. Once again, no I'm not suicidal -.-'''. I appreciate life very very very much, which is why I am able to speak of losing life with such frankness and perhaps a little frivolity. Does it really matter whether we die drowned in a vat of wine or in the open sea, to be eaten by fishes? It does sound gross, and I believe that we want to be beautiful even if we are about to be burnt into ashes. It is indeed important to pass on with dignity and in peace. Yet, I find that it is much more important to live with dignity and be at peace with ourselves, such that we can face Death in the same way we lead Life. Then the end of the journey won't be such a great struggle.

I used to think to myself that I will be very happy if one person, even if it is only one person, cries in sorrow at my loss of life. It will be such a happy funeral, because in this one life I have been able to touch another one life. Sounds like a good exchange to me =)

Since we can't control how we lose our life, it's okay. At least we can control how we lead our lives, to make it meaningful. So that when the day we die come, we won't be hearing comments about how our lives are wasted, that it all amounts to nothing. You can take another perspective on this. Look at how much resources are put into rearing us, to keep us alive. Food, drink, shelter, clothing. We should do the animals that die to be eaten justice. Since we have taken their lives in our existence, we should make our existence worthwhile so they won't be just eaten and be flushed down the toilet bowl. (What a disgusting analogy.)

Anyway, the thing about death is, the earth will not stop revolving round the sun even if I'm dead. No matter how much we think that we're a gift to mankind, and we're here for some noble cause, people can still live on with or without us. Unless we somehow conquer the world, or save the world, or become famous/infamous somewhat, most likely that most people on earth won't remember us or celebrate our existence. How many people out of the millions that had lived before, have holidays, or streets named after themselves? Memories, like all other things, can be lost. There is a possibility that we'll have Alzheimer's, or somehow be amnesic. Memories can fade, can disappear. And because memories make a big part of our existence, when it is lost, we will no longer be recognised, and we will no longer recognise others. My Loved One has lost most of the memories, and no longer remember the times that I have shared with the Loved One. Loved One does not recognise me, I am nothing in the eyes of the Loved One. I felt terribly upset, and cannot accept that memories of all those times we had shared had gone. I felt like I am no longer loved by Loved One. I wished I could bring it all back, I wished that Loved One's memories will somehow return, and we can be happy once again. But it is not possible, it is just not possible. Even if I knelt down to pray till my knees give way, even if I become some great neurologist, I cannot and I cannot bring back those memories. Helplessness.

No, I don't think memories are capable of regaining existence once we're dead and gone. It sounds very pessimistic, but it's just that I don't want to rely on unreliable memories. Think about this, when we reenact an incident, be it an outing with a friend, or a trip, or a meeting with someone, each time of narration brings different accounts and descriptions. Whatsmore, different people remember different things, and there won't be one person who will remember all of another person. Even if we piece all of those memories together, it still won't be who we really are. Then how can we say that these memories allow us to exist even after we're dead? Whether or not this reasoning is logical or true, I just no longer want to depend on the capricous memories. To me, what is most important is to live in the moment. Whether or not the moment is remembered, when the moment is spent, it exists, it has existed, and there's no taking it away. That's how I can accept Loved One's loss of memories. I don't need Loved One to remember the times that we had shared, because once we had shared the time together, those lengthy conversations, those happy times we had spent, has existed. Whether or not Loved One remembers it, it has existed. It is what gives me solace.

So when I die, it no longer matters to me whether or not people remember me. What matters is that I have fully expressed love to my loved ones, and those moments of expressing love have existed. Perhaps the only solution that I can put forth, which is trite, is to spread love and respect in every way we can while we are still capable of living. For now, thank goodness I'm still happy and healthy, and that I've finally found my beautiful blue =D