I belong to the displaced generation in this international migration currents. I hold an Indonesian passport, but have lived in Singapore for most of my life. At the same time, my parents believe they belong to the country with the largest population in this world. Somewhere that you can get lost easily. When I ask where exactly are my roots, noone can give me an answer. Neither can I. When I ask myself is there any place I miss in this world, the answer is none. Not the shophouse in Indonesia, not my grandparents' home, not any of the houses I had inhabited in Singapore. Should I ever go abroad and never return to the place I currently live in, I think I'll walk out of the house without looking back.

Love China! Love Indonesia! Love Singapore! -imagine my maniacal laughter of satire- I have always been a nomad. Never had the chance to sing the anthem of the country I was born in. Never had the desire to sing the anthem of the country I was brought up in. I don't love any country. I think I will come to love all countries as I get older. It is because I am such a duckweed (a water plant with floating roots), that I'll go where the currents take me, and come to love all the places I have tread (I should start learning to love Singapore). It is a fortune perhaps, that because I don't let my roots take hold on any soil, that my self can gain nourishment from every bit of the earth.

I often wonder how on earth I would bring up my future children (if I would have any). Perhaps I would tell them, hey you're not pure blood XXXX-ean or YYY-ian. You're a mix of this and that and this and that. Much like a mutt. I wonder if they would clobber me with questions like how I do to my parents. It would be such a great laugh. Maybe I have always moved too much, that I just want to keep moving. Perhaps looking back have only filled my eyes with darkness, that I can only move forward, into where I hope there is a warm glow.

I pride myself in being such an unrooted soul, because I can walk without much burden on my back. Take the sky as my blanket, the ground as my bed. Such a carefree life! Then again, should one day I want to hold on to anything, I will find that there's nothing I can hold on to. I'll be dragged on, and I would have to face the things that drag me, very much alone. Do I really want that? I think I do. So that others will not suffer along with me. At the same time, I can gain strength through adversities. (I wonder if I'll ever change my mind about this, but I can always wait and see =D)

As I walk through the dogged days of Prelims, and am more isolated from friends who have different timetables from me, I realise how detached I am from the people around me. I've been reflecting, and recalling the past times. I collect my thoughts and discover that I have hardly missed anyone besides my direct family. I'll define "miss" as thinking of someone, and wanting to be with that person. I have often thought of people. I have thought of memories with people. Somehow, I hardly want to be with the people I think of. No, they are not cold, heartless people. They are people who have spent great times with me, people who have shared much joy and (occassionaly) pain with me. These friends (even relatives) of mine, who had left their footprints in my heart, are thought of, but not missed. I think I am the one who is cold and heartless.

So I question myself, why do I seem so detached? Is it really because I am holding strongly to my belief of "no regrets", and I have given the best of love I could give to my friends and relatives, such that I can let go of them? Or is it just my mechanism of avoiding emotional pain from good-byes? Perhaps I just don't really care about anyone?

I'll answer my own questions, now that I have figured out the answers. I don't miss anyone, because it is part of my self-defence mechanism. So that I can tell myself, once you are gone, that hey I have given my best, and so I can move on. More importantly, I believe that I am sincere on how I treat the people around me. So if I'm pissed, I'm sincerely pissed, and if I'm being nice, it's because I truly care. At the same time, it's to protect the people around me, so that the truth is always there to see, if people want to.