Friday, March 28, 2008 @ 4:21 pm
kinda feel homesick. this term is just madness. never had time to breathe. wish i'm an octopus, have 8 legs to multi-task. and no bones, so i can squeeze through any situation that comes along. feeling pretty homesick. just that after all these years, homesickness just becomes a natural part of me. can no longer remember when was the last time tears wetted my pillow as i think of my family. if u're a kid who has never been away from home before, away from family, u dunno what it feels like to be homesick, really. OBS and camps, all of that are nothing. during GP today, learnt about the factors that may lead to teenage suicide. realised that i have some of the factors, like having lost a relative *and i still can't get over it*, being away from family, etc. but the thing is, i'm perfectly happy with my life. sometimes i wonder how i survived. i wonder how come i dun turn out to be some rebellious kid haunting the streets.
when i read the past diary entries, and recall how much pain i went through, i really have no idea how much tears i have shed. probably enough to mop my whole house 10 times over. like what my mum said, "i have shed so much tears that i have no more left to shed." wonder if it runs in the family that each of us have to undergo hardship beyond what people of the same age experience. sometimes when my friends come to me with their problems, i realised that i've been through that stage before, much earlier perhaps. not that it makes me more mature than others, just that i realised i have been forced to grow up faster. like someone is injecting emotional growth hormone to help me cope. and i'm grateful.
been thinking about parents. somehow i have this strong belief that no matter how 'terrible' or 'irresponsible' parents are, as children we have to give them respect. for the simple reason that they have given us life. not all children are fortunate to have responsible, loving parents. and not all parents are fortunate enough to have filial, sensible children. i see my own extended family. aunties, uncles, mum's side, dad's side. there was once that i had lunch at my aunt's, with my cousins and all. then my mum helped to cook, then scoop out the rice for all of us. then i thanked her. my cousin asked me why i'm thanking my mum. after all we're family, there's no need to be so formal, she said. and i told her that because we're family, all the more i must thank her. it's not out of formality, but out of sincere gratitude.
what i believe is that it is not parents' obligation to care for their children. and if they do, it's our privelege. so we should be grateful for their love. imagine this. u're unrelated to the person at the mcdonald's counter. and when the person serves the food to u, u thank him/her. and u're unrelated! no blood ties, no friendship, nothing. just someone u meet in like for 1 minute or 2. what's more our parents? we've been with them even before we're born, and we're related by blood. if we can say 'thank you' to the stranger on the streets, why not to our parents? there's no formality, but expression of our appreciation. and i realise how much a simple 'thanks mum' can lift her frown to a smile. and serving food to my dad can give him more time to eat, without being called by some stupid customer who DEMANDS to see him during his mealtime.
it's funny how i see my dad less than 2 months out of 12 in a year. but each time i go back, somehow both of us can pick up where we left off. it's as if i've never left home. that's the wonder of family ties. permanent bond. friends can come and go, but family will stick with u for the longest time possible. and my mum's friends keep saying that i'm the replica of my dad. even my interests. yes, same fetish for dark chocolate, ice cream, books and pride to be Chinese. haha. and both of us crack the same kind of stupid lame jokes! =D (my mum gets irritated though)
if i were to die tmrw, i'll die smiling, really. besides not being able to take care of my grandparents, i've no other regrets in my life. i dun have a perfect life, but at least i can say that i've led a good life. not being with my closest kin has taught me to seize every moment possible to show kindness and concern for the people around me. taught me how precious time is. at least, i dun have to lose anything or anyone before i learn how to appreciate.
here, i have breatheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed =)