been bogged down lately by so many stuffs now that school has started. i know that the things you do shouldn't be a burden to u, but somehow i'm unable to find the joy in what i do. academically, it's not as bad as last year, coz i'm getting used to the JC system of lectures and tutorials. so i can complete my work at a faster rate. haha. that saves me a lot of time.

but recently, i've lost the feeling of joy. i'm like a walking graveyard all the time, and i hate to be that way. something is missing. i miss dancing. i miss performing. this whole week when i fell down and i couldn't do ballet, and i watched my friends dance, suddenly i had this huge burning desire to step on a stage and dance my heart out. there's nothing in this world that i would love to do more. i want to be in my own paradise, letting my heart and body come together, moving to the music, touching the hands of heaven. the last time i performed was for Cultural Night for my CIP trip to vietnam. but in all my performances, i have never felt like i was performing for an audience. the connection to the audience was just naturally present when i danced. the intensity of passion was so great it could fill the whole room, the whole stage, the whole theatre, the whole world. what i felt was an absolute ecstasy, joy beyond mention, a trip to heaven. there was no worries in my head, no nonsense in my heart, it was mind,body and soul moving to the same beat, in one same focus. and my paradise is in performance. but now i have hardly any opportunity to touch my heaven. drama has such a vast difference from dance. i don't know how to act. i can't act for nuts. if there's only one thing i can do wholly and fully, it's dance. and dance is not about the ballet technique learnt in exam syllabus, dance is simply, dance. there's no way to talk about dance, u can only dance a dance, and feel it for urself. and my great addiction for dance is showing it's withdrawal symptoms. i need to rediscover my source of joy. if i can't discover it, i'll create it. i hate to be a depressed zombie making other ppl around me vexed. i need to find my joy, i need to pay a visit to my paradise. let me dance my heart out, oh please. this is killing me.