Friday, May 04, 2007 @ 1:06 am
emo day today. wonder why i'm not doing GPP but am blogging at 1 am instead. emo-ing pretty badly. morning was a bad start. feeling homesick and irritated. and i was suffering a bit of heartache coz i know that some of my frens are drifting apart from me already. and i know it's my fault. i looked back at the past 2 years of my life. and it struck me that some1 that i now strongly dislike has been lying to me all these while. lies lies lies and more lies. maybe that's why i detest that person now. people have been lying to me all of my life, i should get used to it by now. but i'm still pissed.
being the idealistic and easily carried away by emotions type of person that i am, i was just disappointed in people. very very disappointed. i know there's no point of being upset because everyone's like that (maybe including me). i have always known that friends come and go, and i've never believed in 'friends forever', because after all the years of experiencing friendships, i just don't believe in them anymore. when i came to NJ, i thought i start to believe, but now, i'm not so sure anymore.
i guess it's my fault for not trying to make the friendships last. but it takes 2 hands to clap, and i can't do things alone. still trying to accept the fact that i've been born into this world alone, i'll die alone and i'll live alone. living alone doesn't necessarily mean being a solitary animal like a grizzly bear, but it means that u have to support urself all ur life, that u can never depend on any1 else for ur own physical and emotional life. u have to learn to be independent and find ur own 'centre'. depending on other people will only shatter ur heart into irreplacable pieces of junk. i'm sick and tired of all these shit. i bet my eyes are dull and dead like a rotten fish's.
and i've also realised it's better to shut up completely than to breathe a word. sometimes i feel that not being able to talk is not such a bad thing after all. because u can find ways to express urself without having to lash out words that may have adverse effects on people and relationships among people. hardly any of us do think before we talk, right?
got a lot more to say. but i guess i better move on with my work if i dun want to sleep at 3 am. goodnight everyone. goodnight to u, ingrate.