Thursday, February 22, 2007 @ 7:59 pm
memory.moments.emotions.loss.abandonment.cold.numb.yearning.tired.trapped.sacrifice.love.gone.holdingon.
no matter how much you treasure and savour every moment, when the moment has slipped away, you can't help but feel a great sense of loss. knowing that the times will never return, and that things can only degenerate further, and you can't do anything to rescue the loss, makes you feel helpless and useless. will grabbing the grains of sand too tightly cause it to slip away further? will leaving the grains of sand on ur palm only expose it to the blowing of the wind?
the trip back to indonesia, was good. but the parting was enough to erase all the good things that had happened. there are some things in life u can never get used to, and i can NEVER get used to leaving my family for some other country. shall talk about that later.
anyway, i took the plane with my sis back to indo. the Juanda International Airport had been reconstructed while i was away in S'pore. it isn't as nice as Soekarno-Hatta Airport in Jakarta, but it's a great improvement from the last time i was there. FIRSTLY, much much less smokers in the airport. yes, i HATE smokers. they pollute the air and people's lungs unnecessarily. plus, they have travellators and better built toilets. plus, you don't have to take a bus from the plane to the terminal anymore, coz they built those tunnels like they have in changi airport. although the airport is not a grand and lofty, huge one, i feel a sense of warmth when i stepped into the airport. in its humble size, i must say that it is more cozy than it comes. as an Indonesian, it feels very heartening to see my city making continuous progress. everytime i return home, there will always be signs of progress and changes, and I feel as if i'm watching a little sapling grow into a strong, sturdy tree. my only worry, though, is that my beloved Surabaya will become like another certain city. that, i certainly do not want. reasons shall remain undisclosed. =D
my father and (the other) sister, greeted us and hauled our (single) luggage bag into the car. THE CAR!!!! how long it has been since i took a car ride! buses are soooo EEWWW.... anyway, i seized the chance to take the front seat so that i can get to talk to my father as he is driving. we talked about a lot of stuff, mostly about school and stuff. my dad's really happy that i got good grades for my chinese Os. even though it's only one measly o-level paper, he's really happy. coz to him, chinese is the most impt subject. there's a reason why he put me in singapore of all the countries in the world. so yeah, chinese chinese chinese and bilingualism. was super happy to see my father again. it has been 8 months since i last saw him. and in those 8 months, i can't even bear to talk to him over the phone coz i'm so afraid that i wouldn't hold out over the phone. if only i can dig a hole and bury all the pain and homesickness that i feel. okay i should stop pms-ing.
there's a reason why i'm emo-ing. and here goes... when i went to my grandparents' house the day i landed, it was a terrible stab in my heart. the first person i met was my grandma (since my grandpa was helping out in my dad's shop). i bent down to kiss her on both cheeks, as always. but when she saw me, she only stared blankly at me, then turned to the maid to ask, 'who is this?' i was terribly shocked. even when i told her my name, she doesn't recognise the name. when i said, 'anaknya Ah Xi' ('the daughter of Ah Xi'), she only asked, 'who's Ah Xi?' she doesn't even know the name of her own son. i have lost her memory. she doesn't know who i am. and throughout my stay, i cannot bring back her memory of me. all i could do was to take care of her and stay by her side, knowing that, to her, i am a stranger.
i can't continue further. this sucks. i just wish that i can have more time to spend with her. more time... more time to be with her, to take care of her. although she doesn't remember me anymore, i just want to stay with her. sometimes i wonder, are all of these sacrifices worth making? for the sake of my education, must i sacrifice my family?
the day i left, even my maid cried. i couldn't bear to say goodbye to my grandma. since she was bathing when i went to say my goodbyes to my grandparents, i left without bidding goodbye to her. my mother and my brother sent me to the airport. Garh. parting is such BITTER sorrow.
this place sucks. if only i had wings, then i would fly away. although the globe is getting warmer, the people are getting colder.