Thursday, December 23, 2004 @ 1:17 pm
went for a swim juz now.
got a nice tan. =)
seem so long since i've seen the sun.
maybe i've been cooped up too long, that's why i feel so weird.
or maybe i'm juz homesick.
i mean like, this isn't a sunday, and i'm swimming.
and even if i want to swim on sunday morning, i can't.
aft swimming, we're supposed to go for breakfast @ ahimsa, eating soto.
or maybe @ pasar besar.
but instant noodles here will never be the same.
even the flavour is different, altho' both are 'soto'.
i mean like, even if i try to make things somehow the same.
they are different. the feeling will never be the same if u are with ur family.
it juz bring back painful memories.
before i left, i asked my dad at the airport to come for chinese new year.
but i perfectly knew and know that he won't make it here.
even when he said yes, i noe he won't be able to come.
he said, yes, i will come, family reunion.
but he won't come, i know he won't.
and he juz mentioned that he won't be able to come.
no matter how much i hope n pray, i will lose to reality.
maybe i'm juz torturing myself.
i have been torturing myself since last year.
and that's why, that's why i worked so hard last year.
i didn't want to get any position in class, i juz wanted to work so hard until i can forget everything.
every single pain that is stabbing me everytime i said, i'm going home, when i noe it won't feel like home.
the pain when i think of that place before i go to bed, even when i don't want to think abt it.
the pain when i woke up, remembering the dream that i dreamt that previous night abt that place.
every single time i had to go to the toilet in the middle of the night to wash up and calm myself down, juz becoz i wanted so badly to go back.
and the weekly calls, i wanted so much to squeeze into the phone and come out in front of them.
and the wish that my parents will get a webcam or some sort.
it's so damn painful.
sometimes it takes more than juz a box of tissues.
it sucks.